The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*