How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You Might Also Like
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Things will get butter, keep churning
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.