I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
What a chick magnet..
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.