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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.