Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’