We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm