I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done