I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.