Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”