Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor