My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
when there are deer in the woods
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.