17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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Goodnight 🐶
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.