5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2