A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.