*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?