can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.