You Might Also Like
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
🤯🤯🤯
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?