FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You Might Also Like
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
A short story of betrayal:
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.