whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship