My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
this is how life feels
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
From my Mom
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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