The fall of Netflix
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Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.