Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
You Might Also Like
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome