“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you are reading this then you are reading this
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.