SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Sorry not sorry.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.