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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.