squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
when u come home smelling like another dog
starting a garage orchestra
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.