* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want