*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist