caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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Incredible customer service.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Check your privilege
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.