How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.