Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss