Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.