Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.