Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
You Might Also Like
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?