As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
You Might Also Like
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
watergate? u mean a dam??
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
put ‘er there pardner!
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED