The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I think they could have phrased this better
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
This meeting could have been a cake
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*