Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.