My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
#parenting