This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji