To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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This is Sparta
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
This is my brand.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.