What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Mornin
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.