Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Coffee is ready.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.