Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?