I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem