I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Google reviews are always so mixed..
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want