[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.