I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.