You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is