A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.