Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…